Getting Older Everyday....

No Jokes Today...... Just good news.

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:52:45 GMT

I had another Doctor's appointment today. The doctor had the results of the Biopsy he did on me last week. I was sort of concern. The appointment was at 1:30pm today. I didn't really get a lot done at work because I was thinking about all the things that would be changed in my life it the test came back positive for Cancer. It is funny how your mind works and all sort of things wander in and out. I must confess, I was more than concerned about all this. I said that I would die before I had to live with no dignity. I guess I would have, we are all going to die eventually, but it would have been after the fight. I am not in a real hurry. Anyway the Biopsy came back Benign. I don't have Cancer. At least not today. He did say that he will do some more test to find out why my PSA has gone up but it isn't Cancer.

I think I was mistaken. I will add a few jokes just for Giggles and Grins. Check out the links. You will enjoy them.

You all have a good day and God Bless.

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A man from up north visited Texas for the first time and wrote back to his friends and family.

THINGS I LEARNED IN TEXAS

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

7. 'Jaw-P?' means, 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'Fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12. Backwards and forwards means, 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question, 'Did you bring any beer?'

17. You measure distance in minutes and hours.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, animal or culture.

20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm.'

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World.'

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew weather.

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lNFRLrP014

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. A s he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. A s fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. ' A nd what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African- American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

' Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

'I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.'

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MISSING HUSBAND

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in  the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was
a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.

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Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees!"

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Five Rules for a man to have a happy life

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UejelYnVI3U&feature=related

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnzHtm1jhL4&feature=related

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fKoIXOmGw8

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8NkQQ6oMtc&feature=related

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rn0bgdsCxXE&feature=related

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Keep the Faith.

Surprise.... Not a really long Blog today -- Just Good news.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 21:14:28 GMT

I knew it would happen someday but didnt' know when. My daughter called and told us that we were going to be Grandparents. My wife is very excited and I am too as far as I dumb Old cowboy gets. I am very happy because my daughter is. So is my wife. Don't get me wrong I am happy. I just don't handle little ones very well. I will have to be patient and wait for the time that they can hang with me. Then I can spoil them and take them places. You see I don't handle dirty diapers very well. I am sorry. I just can't. My wife could never understand how I could do what I do and have done in life for so long and can't change a dirty diaper. Had to hold my breath when my own kids were small. Didn't do it very much if I could figure out a way to get out of it. I have decided that when he/she gets to where they can go to the bathroom by themselves, can take a fish off the hook and bait the hook, hit a golf ball then they can not only hang with me but will get tired of going places with me. Go figure. Looks like St. Patrick's Day is the projected due date.

See this clip. It is funny and will describe me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ue1vZObtTCQ

Have a safe Monday.

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Late As Always.....

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 07:25:09 GMT

Well I have no excuse for be absent for so long other than I have been traveling for pleasure, Personal Obligations and work, not to mention work has been really busy lately. I have had some health issues also that have me thinking of other things at the moment.

My wife and I went to Vegas to attend our close friends son’s wedding. We enjoyed it a lot. Saw some shows and the musical, “Mama Mia”. If you like musicals I really recommend it to everyone. I know that the movie is due to be out soon but I don’t know if it will even come close to compare with the live stage show. We were fortunate enough to obtain front row center seats. I could reach out and touch the conductor. The stage was just a few feet away. It was like the actors were playing to us. My daughter, son in law, our friends all had a good time. My long life Richard, “Daddio” needs to see it while he is there in September. It will only be on until January.

I did gamble a little. Actually I won enough at the Black Jack table to pay for the whole trip and by my wife a nice bracelet. I don’t look at it as being all of that great of a accomplishment, I just got back some that I have left at different Casinos over the years that I have been crazy enough to go visit. It was still fun. My son in law and I spent some time together acting foolish and gambled often for the four days we spent there. One night we started at 8:00pm and sat at the Black Jack table until 5:30 in the morning. We all had such a good time that we have planned to go back soon.

I have had to go to different places for work and it really puts me behind in all the paperwork but it is part of the job. Flying is gotten to where it isn’t fun anymore. Living out of a suitcase for a few days at a time isn’t either. I have to go to Austin sometime this week but I am trying to put it off. For those of you from Texas….. I know from Dallas to Austin isn’t but about 2 ½ to 3 hours but when you have to be there at 7:00am means you have to leave at 3:30am or so. The drive back that afternoon is what is hard. Oh well, I will bite the bullet and just do my job like I have for years.

I had to go back to Houston a few weeks ago to the funeral of my Aunt. She will be missed. She was a special lady to me. I spent a lot of time with my cousins growing up. She was fun and really allowed us to do things that most parents would never think of letting a group of 9, 10, & 11 year olds do. Of course in the 50’s things were different.

I am still going to the specialist for test. I had biopsies taken today. It was uncomfortable but manageable. Maybe they can figure out if I have the big “C” now. I am good with whatever the outcome is. Over the years I have faced the Grim Reaper face to face on many occasions. I cheated and won out. I have made my peace with God. I have lived a good life, done a lot and accomplished a lot. I hope I did well for others. I have the best of family and friends and that includes you cyber friends. I believe we all have a purpose here and I don’t know if I have fulfilled mine but if so then so be it. Don’t get the wrong idea; I am not going out easy. I am a fighter and will not lay down and just die. I am just ready for it when it happens. I am like my namesake…. Davy Crockett….. “I’m a screamer”. I do strongly suggest to all men over 40 to go get that dreaded “Finger Wave”. Get checked at least once a year. I didn’t like it and I bet you won’t either but it might save your life. I have one doctor who said, “If you like it then you need to go get another doctor”. I assured him that it wasn’t on the top of my list of things to do. He assured me that he didn’t like administering it at all, probably just a little less than I disliked having it. Just take my word for it, “Just Do It!”. If not for yourself, for your family and friends.

I broke down and did something I said that I would never do again since when I loose one it tears my heart out. I got me a Border Collie puppy. She is a mess right now but she is a sweetheart. Still all puppy and gets into everything but she will come along. I named her "Baby" but my wife changed it to "Abie". She is learning fast. They say that Border Collies are very smart. She has proven that in many ways. She has gone with us to watch the "4th of July" fireworks, and since we have a "Drive In Movie Theater" not far away she has gone with us there several times. She has behaved for the most part. She will keep me company in my old age.

As usual, I will leave you with some warped jokes that have been shared with me. You might have heard them already. If you did, just read on to the next. I am sure that I have found something to turn up the corners of your mouth. If you do smile or find them offensive, sick or crazy, I have done my job. Keep the peace and God’

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A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you
each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife

'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would

take a few inches off of your butt!!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a

comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the H*** is this??' he said to himself as a little dust cloud

appeared when he shook them out.

'Debbie!' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder

in my underwear?'

'It's not talcum powder', she says...... 'It's 'Miracle Grow!!'

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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My Computer Problems ???

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him
to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I use to like Eric.

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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Leason of Four Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would

Add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, You won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --

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What Gets Longer When Pulled,

Fits Between your Boobs,

Inserts Neatly in a Hole

AND Works Best When Jerked?
(scroll down and watch for a few seconds< /SPAN>)

+

+
A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!

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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.  So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.  About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.  She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

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As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he
does.

So next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended
for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Muslims, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of
alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America!

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An old cowboy sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to
the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my
dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think
about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women
when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

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DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE

I met this guy awhile ago,and he has
A motto he lives by everyday. He said listen carefully and Live by these 4 rules : Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie.

I was shaking my head 'No, but he then told me to listen
While he explained his four rules. So here they are :

1. DRINK from the 'springs of living water' every day.

2. STEAL a moment to help someone that is in worse shape Than you are.

3. SWEAR that you will be a better person today than Yesterday.

4. And last, but not least, when you LIE down at night Be thankful you live in the USA and have freedom.

I am not as good as I should be.
I am not as good as I could be.
But THANK GOD
I am better than I used to be!

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I Fight What You Fear, But GOD Fights What I Fear !!!! Have A Great Day!!!

Late as Usual

Mon, 26 May 2008 05:37:29 GMT

It’s been a long time since I added anything to this forum. I don’t have any excuses for ignoring my cyber friends other than work, health and just busy with all sort of things going on.

I have worked some long hours which causes a lot of fatigue and when I really tired I don’t seem to be in the mood to write. I have asked myself several times a day why I came out of retirement. I know it is because I like the extra money but I guess I like what I do. I do get where there are days I think about going back to retirement.

Unfortunately I have had to go to the doctor more than I would like. This too has made me not be in the mood to write a lot. When you get my age they like to poke and prod you more and they sometimes find things that make them want to poke and prod even more. You take a test to see if you need another test. I think it is a conspiracy between the medical profession and the insurance companies. Maybe or maybe not.

I have had to go to several funerals lately. Not something that most of us enjoy but out of respect to those who passed away and the family and friends we need to sometimes attend those funerals. I know we are all going to have to go sometime. I am ready to go when I am called. I am not really ready to go yet but I am ready. I will be kicking and screaming the whole way.

I drove to Galveston Saturday morning to have a short visit with my long life friend. He was at his Aunt’s beach house. It is a place we spent a lot of time at when we were younger and hung out on the beach a lot. It has been around a long time since had had been there last and still a nice place to visit. His Aunt passed away earlier this year. She was a cool lady. She will be missed. I do not know if his family will keep the beach house or not, but I do know that my friend really enjoys going there to relax. While I was there I picked up a small sail boat that we used years ago. It brought back a lot of memories. The trip back to Dallas was an experience. I had taken a friend and coworker with me. We had to stop and check the trailer wheel bearings often, mess with the trailer lights, had to fight the traffic find places to where I could pull into towing that boat trailer. It sort of reminded me of some of the college road trips. Galveston has really changed over the years. I use to go and hang out there often when I was younger. West Beach use to be just miles of beach and now not only are there subdivisions of beach houses there are Condos after Condos. I wonder if humans know how much we have done to destroy the natural beauty of this world. At least they don’t let those crazy people drive on the beach anymore.

I have managed to get the back yard flower beds cleaned up and trees trimmed and the pool clean and operating. Not without some cost. One of my flower beds was looking ragged. I pulled out a lot of decretive vine, monkey grass and other things like weeds. I am in my late 50’s. I have been in and out of the woods my whole life and never had “Poison Ivy”. I got it this time. I have never been allergic to it in the past. According to several people and “Google” you don’t have to be allergic to Poison Ivy to get it. Those that are allergic can get it by just walking by. I at least had on long pants and gloves. The short sleeve shirt didn’t give me any protection. I have learned that the oil in the plant will make anyone break out it you get it on you. I managed to get through it without too much discomfort. Since then I have sprayed that particular flowerbed to kill everything and checked the others for “Poison Ivy”. I will replant the whole flower bed.

I spent the day being lazy. I needed that a lot. Watched a lot of television and laid around and relaxed. Everyone needs to do that from time to time.

Since I don’t have to work tomorrow I will work some more in the yard and flowerbeds stopping to take a dip in the pool. There are a lot of war movies on television tomorrow too.

I hope everyone has a eventful and safe “Memorial Day” and while you are having fun or whatever you may be doing tomorrow, remember those men and women that gave their all so we could have the right to do those things that we will be doing.

As always…. I will leave you with some things to turn up the corner of your mouth (I hope). I have a warped sense of humor so if any of these were to offend then it wasn’t meant to hurt or offend anyone.

Have a good one……..

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What a silver-tongued Dude he was!

   Only a Southern man can make you feel like a woman!!!!!

   A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

    One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane And screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled,  "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be Memorable! Is there anyone o n this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

    For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.    Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.   No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...
    Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

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Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top .

"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."

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medical news

Just had to share because I'll bet you didn't know this:

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
People a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your butt and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

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http://www.bobforrest.com/JukeBox.htm

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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .........
   "Ministers Do More Than Lay People"

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.  I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. Definition of a teenager?  God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

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A Short Blonde Joke

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther....

Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now?

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest. '

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'

'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'

*************************************************************************

WOMAN’S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

*******************************************************************************

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband, 'No mushrooms; they are too high.'

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.'

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them, and they're OK.'

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch -- washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then, she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard Dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Mexican dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance, and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas, and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine, just keep them calm.'

Soon, they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now, and he left.'

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.”

*************************************************************************

A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says 'How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'this is a special day for me
I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked
'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all
of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!'

**********************************************************************************************

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little
girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car,
the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think
that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest
man.'"

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lNFRLrP014

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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when
his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the
name
Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the
name of
one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there
was a
good

explanation.'
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she
walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron
skillet,
which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked,
'What the hell was that for?'

'Your horse just called!'

**************************************************************************************

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting...

13...13....13...13...

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'.

**********************************************************

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

************************************************************************

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive
Man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told
him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I
like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked. He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'

**********************************************************

TEXAS DEPUTY and New York Lawyer

Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas .... Too bad......

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

    He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer

    from New York and is certain that he has a better education then a cop

    from Houston . He decides to prove this to himself and have some

   fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says,    'License and registration, please.' 'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop ' Says the deputy.   'License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

    License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between   slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration;   and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle sir the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says,

'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xf-BNkLWUE

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When President Truman retired from office in 1952, his income was substantially a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year.
Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year. When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, 'You don't want me. You want the office of the president, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale.'

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, 'I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise.'

We now see that the Clintons have found a new level of success in cashing in on the presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale.

Was good old Harry Truman correct when he observed, "My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference."

*******************************************************************

"God grants liberty only to those who love it, and are prepared to guard and defend it." Daniel Webster

"History does not entrust the care of freedom to the weak or timid." Dwight D. Eisenhower

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
George Orwell